I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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