In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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