I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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