toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
