just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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