Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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