i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I had to cum in my sink.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
