A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
