We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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