First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
