Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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