You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈ðŸ˜
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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