I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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