I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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