after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
