I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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