There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
