So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
