Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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