Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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