You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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