Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
