This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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