your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
