all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
