I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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