Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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