Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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