I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
