my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
