That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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