So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
