You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
