imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
