I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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