she woke up with a sticky ear
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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