the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
i now understand why vodka
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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