Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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