ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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