I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
