Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
