Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
