My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
