Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
