finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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