I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
