No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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