Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
