its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Just puked most of my soul out..
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