glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
