i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
