She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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