who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
